I’ve found myself in this dark hole twice before but never in this deep. It’s never been to the point where the things that I loved most no longer bring happiness to my life. I used to love going to work every day and now it’s a struggle to even get out of bed.. not the common it’s-6-in-the-morning struggle but I-really-don’t-want-to-do-life-today struggle. I had so much passion for soccer and loved getting the chance to grow in the passion with coaching every Spring. But this spring was different. It was hard to do these things that I once enjoyed so much.
You would think that hearing of a friend’s engagement or the birth of a new baby would bring a little bit of joy to my life. But it doesn’t. It sends me deeper into this hole of darkness. I can’t help but get sad thinking of all the big life events that you are missing out on and won’t get to go through yourself. A week and a half later and we would have been celebrating your own engagement. We should be planning your wedding, bridal showers and a bachelorette party. We should all be sitting in Sam’s living room, drinking wine and Pinteresting ideas for your wedding. But we aren’t and will never get the chance to. We will never get to see how beautiful of a bride you would have been.
That is why I can’t escape the darkness.
Because the things that should bring joy to my life are not.
The things that you should be here to experience but will not.
It’s almost like a guilty feeling when I start to feel some kind of happiness.
I was in denial the last two times I was stuck in this darkness. But this time, I know I’m stuck and I’m struggling to get out.